Don't Even Open It

I have a few problems with the phrase, "I'm not even gonna open that can of worms." It is often said to let someone know that the speaker would rather avoid the situation than deal with the consequences. As if the consequences are so complicated and undesirable that the only choice is to walk away.

Just what are we dealing with here? I picture a sealed can containing multiple earthworms.

Let's say you do open the can. What are the worms going to do? I'll tell you...squiggle out randomly and maybe, if they are packed in dirt, soil the surface they spill on to. They aren't going to jump out, attack anyone, have any sort of audible opinion, or wreak havoc on any level close to chaos. They don't even have limbs so they can't even flail and accidentally hurt someone. Their only super power is regeneration, and it's not like that happens at lightening speed. So how is it that a can of worms is so threatening? 

Pardon me for speaking out on this issue, but someone had to address it. Now that I've done it, I feel moved to offer alternate phrases that may be more fitting.

"I'm not even gonna knock that beehive off the branch."
"I'm not even going to try to shake hands with that bear."
"I'm not even gonna try to swim in that lava pit."

So I say, go ahead. Open that can of worms. Just don't use the phrase like you really mean it, because that only makes you a hypocrite.

Still apprehensive? 

Newsflash. Earthworms are not anaerobic, so technically after an undetermined amount of time in a sealed can without oxygen, they would all be dead. So never fear!

Unless, there is such a thing as earthworm zombies. (Hmm...what about that regeneration thing that they do...)

But I'm not even gonna open that can of worms.

Wax On, Wax Off

My 40th birthday is approaching quickly. I do not know why I have such anxiety about it or why I'm so depressed at the prospect, but it is happening whether I like it or not. 

Maybe it's all the life changes lately. Or perhaps it was the ominous birthday candles I saw on display at the Dairy Queen last month. 

There were only two of them. It's like they knew I was there. A Four and a Zero. They were waiting there. Watching. Hanging there mocking me as I ordered my ice cream. Waiting for the right moment to squash my ice cream high. So colorful and happy but so very rude with their forthrightness and ill intention. I stood there entrapped in their truth snare for a moment and then I retaliated. 

I secretly cast a curse and wished for them to spontaneously combust and mournfully melt away from existence for such an evil deed. 

Didn't happen. But you can't fault me for trying ;)